Chicago to start arming teens in predominantly white neighborhoods

In a move that left citizens scratching their heads and law enforcement officers raising their eyebrows, Mayor Brandon Johnson announced his latest initiative: the “White Teenage Firepower Program.” The program, touted as a way to “arm the next white generation with confidence and responsibility,” promised free firearms to white teens aged 13 to 19.

The program hopes to help bring up the crime numbers in white neighborhoods. Mayor Johnson believes that providing more guns to white teens will help level the crime rate across all demographics.

Mayor Johnson, sporting a cowboy hat explained, “We believe in empowering our white youth to take charge of their safety. What better way to do that than by arming them with the tools they need?”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the community, with parents expressing a mixture of disbelief and concern. “I thought it was a joke at first,” remarked one bewildered parent. “But then I realized Mayor Johnson was dead serious. I mean, handing out guns to teenagers? What could possibly go wrong?”

Despite the initial confusion, some teenagers were excited about the prospect of receiving free guns. “Finally, a program that understands our needs!” exclaimed 16-year-old Tyler, brandishing his new 9mm Baretta. Who needs homework when you’ve got this kind of firepower?”

As for the future of the “Teenage Firepower Program,” Mayor Johnson assured the public that there were plans to expand. “Next up, we’re thinking long rifles,” he declared with a grin. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’ll take this one hand gun at a time.